Bernard Black
Bernard Black Birth Name: '''Bernard Ludwig Black '''Birth Place: '''Ireland '''Age: '''Mid 30s (born on the 19th day of an unknown month) '''Gender: '''Male '''First Appearance: '''Pilot episode (not broadcasted) Cooking the Books (first broadcasted appearance) '''Last Appearance: '''Party '''Portrayed by: '''Dylan Moran '''Nationality: '''Irish '''Occupation: Bookshop owner Bernard Ludwig Black, played by comedian and writer of the series Dylan Moran, is a fictional bookshop owner and one of the main characters in the British sitcom, Black Books. Bernard, the owner of the bookshop 'Black Books', is a heavy alcoholic and smoker and has been known to be rude and obnoxious to the customers in his shop. His only friends are Manny Bianco, his assistant and flat mate, and Fran Katzenjammer, his best friend and neighbour. Personality Bernard is a drunken, unhygienic and possibly depressed pessimist who enjoys drinking, smoking and reading. He has a hatred of customers entering his shop and often insults and harasses them. He considers customers buying from his bookshop a 'bad thing', as he hates reordering books he sells and, on one occasion, paid a customer to take away the books he was trying to sell, in order for Bernard not to have to catalogue and price them. Despite having a hatred for customers. Bernard also has a hatred of mobile phones in his shop, and once took a customer's mobile phone and smashed it with a mallet. Bernard has a certain fondness for the shop itself, and when told that it need refurbishing, stated that "it is a lovely place" and defended the shop whenever any of its bad qualities were mentioned. Despite being hetrasexual, Bernard thought he 'was gay for a bit', until he found out about 'the prohibitave standards of hygiene, and all that dancing!'. Bernard is often awkward with women, usually going out of his way to impress them by pretending he can play the piano or showering them in flowers and chocolates. All of the known instances of Bernard trying to impress a woman have failed, however he did have a sexual relationship with Fran, but when asked about it, Bernard stated "she remembers and I'm not allowed". Bernard is extremely unhygienic, allowing mushrooms to grow in his hair and wearing a whtite suit that is so dirty it appears black. In the episode 'Manny Come Home' Bernard's health begins to decline rapidly when Manny leaves home in search of new work at the bookshop next door, Goliath Books. Bernard begins brushing his teeth with a dustpan brush and consuming slug pellets and oven cleaner as medicine. Bernard begins to feel like he has "been beaten up, underwater" and his "brain is falling away like a wet cake". Bernard's usual physical condition, however, is somewhat better. He 'freshens up' by spraying himself with a shower hose and urinates into the toilet from a distance while reading a book. Manny described him as a "filth wizard, friend only to the pig and the rat" on seeing the state of the house. In the episode 'Grapes of Wrath', Manny calls in a cleaner (played by Kevin Eldon) to try and clean up the house. However, only a few days after the cleaner had finished, the house had returned to its original condition. Bernard bullies and insults Manny on a regular basis. He calls him many names including Gandalf, Ming the Merciless, Thor, Hawkwind, Bigfoot, "half Fu-Manchu, half Iago", Genghis Khan, "Customer-Lover" and Lord of the Rings, in reference to Manny's appearance and personality. Bernard has a particular hatred for Manny's beard, saying that the only thing that will bring him inner piece is a beard-seeking missile and once called Manny "a beard with an idiot hanging off it". Bernard revealed that his hatred of Manny's beard is due to the fact that he "kept finding it everywhere". Despite their frequent agruements, Manny seems to care for Bernard's welfare, and in the episode 'Manny Come Home', rushes to help Bernard when he was in despair. Bernard often orders Manny to do things, as bizarre as to "hoover the roof", "whistle down the chimmnies" and "de-louse the duvet". Despite his willingness to obey, Manny, after a therapy session in Hello Sun, successfully stood up to Bernard, calling him a "silly, little man", and asked "isn't it sbout time you had a really good scrub". Bernard's relationaship with Fran, however, is somewhat better. Fran is Bernard's oldest friend and it seems she is the only one who can have some control over him. Fran often persuades Bernard to do things he does not want to do, such as allowing Manny to work in the shop and allowing Manny's parents to stay. She usually does this through violence and shouting insults at him. Bernard's negative and pessimistic outlook on life, and his attitude towards other people, is due to the fact that Emma, his former fiance, faked her own death as not to marry him. Many people have kept this secret from him, including Fran, Bernard's parents and "Mr. Singh at the newsagent's". Appearance Bernard usually wears a black jacket, black trousers and a dark shirt, however it is revealed in 'Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa' that the entire suit is actually a white suit and has gotten so dirty it appears black. Bernard has messy, overgrown hair, and allows Manny to cut it using a bread-knife. Although never appearing with a beard or moustache, there is usually stubble growing around Bernard's chin and upper lip. This may be because his idea of shaving is putting a long trail of shaving cream on his right cheek and brushing it off with a tooth brush. Quotations *"I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all" The Fixer, episode three, series 2 *"Well I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers, running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time in this dump. But it was not to be. So, hop it" Hello Sun, episode 5, series 2 *"How dare you! Don't touch a hair on that boy's head. Have you no respect. He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained , little creampuff" Manny Come Home, episode 1, series 3 *Manny asks him whether he should wash his beard "Yes, I do think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee and fling it over a rainbow" The Big Lockout, episode 5, series 1 *asked to bring the price on a book down from £3 to £2 "Because three pounds is just naked profiteering on a book a mere 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it" Blood, episode 4, series 2 Trivia * Bernard once owned a cat, Nipsey, however it died from unknown causes. * Bernard was voted 19th in Channel 4's poll "World's Greatest Comedy Character". * Bernard is based on a real bookshop owner Dylan Moran met in Dublin. Moran stated that "he looks like he's swallowed a cup of sour milk and peed himself at the same time. He has this green bilious expression, years of displeasure have shaped his face. In fact he looks like every other second hand bookshop owner I’ve seen. It seems to go with the job - being miserable". External Links http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0025926/ Bernard Black's Character Profile on IMBD http://www.channel4.com/programmes/black-books/articles/dylan-moran-and-graham-linehan-interview Interview with Dylan Moran and Graham Linehan http://blogs.thestage.co.uk/tvtoday/2008/05/unsung-heroes-of-television-bernard-black/ Unsung Hereos of Television: Bernard Black http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernard_Black Bernard Black on Wikipedia References 1. 'Manny's First Day' Black Books, episode two, series one 2. 'Grapes of Wrath' episode three, series one 3. 'Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa' , episode four, series three 4. Bernard Black on Wikipedia